By: Sarah Munn –
Culture snobs. Why they exist, I couldn’t tell you. They are clearly a product of too much materialism and a lack of financial sense, or perhaps they just have superb taste and I am but a plebeian with no hope of ever understanding the finer things in life. With some luck, this list of gifts for such people will teach you how the other half lives, and advise you on what to buy for the culture snob in your life.
1) 24-Karat Gold Facial
A culture snob wants the best and only the best. Why get any regular facial at some average spa with cucumber slices and exfoliating creams? Sit back and relax and let your disparaging face be covered in a luxurious mask of 24-karat gold – the purest gold there is. That’s the best.
Where to Buy: Esthetics of Lara in Yorkville, Toronto
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2) Afternoon Tea at The Windsor Arms Hotel
Having afternoon tea at a top-notch hotel could be the epitome of both classic culture and snobbery. As fancy as this British Monarchy-inspired gift sounds, it actually isn’t outrageously expensive. On the contrary, it’s rather affordable.
Treat yourself and your royal friend to traditional tea this December for a grand total of $100, or $114 if you want a glass of sherry or chardonnay thrown in. With the rich menu offered at the Windsor Arms Tea Room, Snobby Snobberson won’t know you only spent a couple of William Lyon Mackenzie Kings to get smoked salmon and caviar sandwiches, a goat cheese tart and of course scones with Devon cream.
Where to Buy: On the hotel’s website, you can easily purchase a gift certificate, an even classier way to pay than just picking up the cheque after the meal.
Price: $100 – $114
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3) Leather iPad Case
Ahh, the iPad. It does almost everything a laptop does without being the size of a laptop, it does everything a smartphone does without the miniscule screen. And yet our lovely culture snobs still find it necessary to own laptops, smartphones, iPods and now iPads too. Of course we can’t expect them to cart their new, expensive, often unnecessary Apple products around without any protection – you never know what might happen. One would suggest a protective case to keep the precious iPad safe – but for the Culture Snob, not just any iPad case will do. A luxurious, preferably designer, leather case. I’ve got three options for you to sort through. Surely one of them will be right for your iPad-toting acquaintance.
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4) Paint-Splattered Jeans
Better or worse than ripped jeans? It seems completely illogical to pay real money for a pair of jeans that has been destroyed in one way or another. My father, who is equally unimpressed by both ridiculous fashion trends, thinks they should rip up paint-splattered jeans just for good measure. These things seem to be becoming more and more popular. H&M for example, recently partnered with designer Maison Martin Margiela to sell his paint-coated jeans to their male customers.
Culture snobs are of course up on the latest fashions, however senseless they may be. If you’re looking to buy them some clothing, a pair of jeans covered in paint is definitely one way to go.
This pair will run you $530 for the illusion of having been splattered with paint, or maybe bleach. Not only is the price ridiculously high, the jeans are also dry clean only! But your culture snob won’t mind, dry cleaning is the cool way to do laundry anyway.
Where to Buy: ROSEANNA Painted jean
Price: $534.75
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5) Bonsai Tree
Culture Snobs often have a passion for all things Asian, whether it is Chinese lanterns, a Japanese futon, incense, Korean pop music or a Bonsai tree. These stunted little miniatures are always trendy and will fit perfectly into your friend’s condo, loft or cottage. Try the Chinese Elm Bonsai, which has evergreen leaves to last through every season.
Where to Buy: Zen Garden Bonsai
Price: $125.99
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6) Fragrance Diffuser
Why spend $6-$11 on a Glade Scent Diffuser when you could spend $129.95 on one from Serene House? It’s original and much cooler to have an air freshener shaped like a scientist’s test tube set.
This one even emits light so you won’t accidentally crash into it in the dark and break the trendy scent tubes. The fragrant oils are of course sold separately, costing about $20 per tube.
Where to Buy: Serene House
Price: $129.95 ($19.95 per tube of scented oil)
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7) Grand Piano
Your culture snob will appreciate this most expensive and niche-specific gift, even though they may know nothing of music and have never played a musical instrument in their life.
A classic Steinway & Sons piano is definitely the way to go, especially an antique like this one from 1886. This 126-year-old piece will certainly make a statement and it will without a doubt be the subject of conversation at every social event your culture snob hosts. Maybe once in a while someone will play it!
Where to Buy: PianoMart.com
Price: $65,000 USD
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8) Jura Impressa C9 OT Espresso Machine
Coffee is one of the culture snob’s drinks of choice, among the other options of excellent wine, exotic herbal teas and whatever the trendiest beverage may be at the moment. While cafes can do a good job, being able to have excellent coffee at home is vital on those days when nipping out for a cappuccino just isn’t feasible. Tassimo and Keurig may know what they’re doing, but they’re too mainstream. Get your friend an exceptional automatic espresso machine, and maybe you’ll be lucky enough to be invited over for a cup one day.
The Jura Impressa C9 OT will do nothing less than impress. Designed with a Clearyl water filter, automatic hot water rinse cycle and a counter to track how many cups of coffee are made, this is one high-tech java-maker. Everything is done with its one-touch system and there are seven available languages programmed into the machine. The price, a mere $2,089.88, shouldn’t scare you, because after all, remember who you’re buying for. Take a browse through the website below to find even more expensive coffee options!
Where to Buy: Zcafe.ca
Price: $2,089.88
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9) Selection of Films on Blu-Ray
No doubt your snobbish associate is a film aficionado, appreciating the good old classics like Casablanca and The Sound of Music, a foreign film like Amelie, a bit of Charlie Chaplin or perhaps a good documentary. Whatever their genre of choice your friend will definitely appreciate a selection of films, especially if you buy the collector’s editions, because we all know any culture snob worth his or her salt is most definitely a collector. And make sure you get them on Blu-Ray; DVDs are so 2004.
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10) Tickets to the Opera
Give the gift of culture at its finest – the opera. What better gift to your culture snob than a ticket to an upcoming show, like Tristan und Isolde, La Clemenza di Tito or Salome? The Canadian Opera Company offers a variety of performances and even makes them affordable to those of us who are under the age of 30. Though the seats may not be the best, $22 can get you in to see fabulous stage productions. Or, if you’d like to get a premium location in the theatre, fork out a few hundred extra. Your fancy friend certainly won’t object to the extra money spent on quality culture.
Where to Buy: Canadian Opera Company
Price: $22 – $390 per ticket, depending on seats and if you fall into the Under 30 category
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